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III. Physical Boundaries

For those of you who have missed out on the first two points of this blog series, you can read the first two boundaries here.

Knowing I was preparing to talk to our youth students about emotional, spiritual, and physical boundaries, a dear friend of mine (who is also a mother of one of our youth students) lent me a book to help me wrap my mind around dating relationships. It was Sex, Dating, and Relationships by Gerald Hiestand and Jay Thomas. This is the quote they used in their introduction; it is the thought that framed my conversation about physical boundaries.

Second, unlike many books on sexual purity, this book does not contain a host of data carefully detailing the repercussions of sexual immorality. An approach to sexual purity that uses the fear of STDs, unwanted pregnancies, and emotional scars as a means of motivating singles to remain sexually pure is based upon the faulty assumption that God’s commands exist solely for our own protection. Though it is true that God’s commands do often protect us from harm (though not always), Scripture makes it quite clear that God’s commands are not about what works best for us but about what brings him the most glory.

 Surely God intends us to save more than sex for marriage…but what?

I’ll let you in on a secret – I’m not that passionate about dating. Date. Don’t date. I don’t care very much about the subject. I’m passionate about marriage. And because I’m on this side of marriage – I want to tell you about the journey you have ahead of you.

Remember how we said that it’s easier to grow a tree straight when it is young than to straighten it after it’s grown all twisted?

You have to determine in your heart how far too far is before the moment. One of my friends is a freshman at college this year. At her high school graduation, I asked if she was going to start drinking and going to parties or having sex with her boyfriend. Her response – “I don’t know. I’ll see how I feel in the moment.”

“In the moment” is too late. So how do we decide where this magical boundary line is? Or is it a shifting dent in the sand?

Some will say: don’t kiss. Don’t be alone in a room. Only side hug. Others will say: Do what feels right. Go with your instincts.

Is it just me – or is this more confusing than helpful?

My friend Alli gave me this advice when I started dating Kevin – it’s easier to start off with really strict boundaries and then to later loosen them than to start off doing something and later take it away.

There is so much more at stake than just the physical ramifications of sex. Marriage is a picture of the Gospel. It is a picture of God preserving His people through the ages to bring Himself glory. The man is to be the head and the woman is to support Him. Christ is oftentimes referred to as the bridegroom and we as His wife. He has made us pure. He has kept us safe. He has been faithful to us. When we are faithful to our spouses, we are living a picture of the Gospel.

Unfortunately, many people have terrible gospel pictures in their family. The first step is to realize that it’s not right. You then have to figure out how to break that chain of sin in your family. Adultery is wrong. Divorce is wrong. I don’t care what our prime time television tells us. Sex outside of marriage is wrong.

So if these actions are wrong, why would we put ourselves in a position where we can easily fall into them?

This is not a conversation meant to bring about guilt and shame if you have given too much. The good news is that God can forgive you and make you clean again.

One goal is to force you to think about the future. I want you to be able to look your future spouse in the eye and not feel shame. I want you to be able to have this conversation with your children and not have regrets. And I want you to be able to look your ex-boyfriend’s wife in the eye and have nothing to hide.

Today, we’ll end with that thought. Later in the week, we will look briefly at flirting and modesty.

II. Spiritual Boundaries

To read this blog series from the beginning, click here.

This category is oftentimes overlooked which means it is extremely unprotected. If you are following Christ, I would hope that you are attracted to a “Godly part” of a guy.

I sure was with Kevin. When I met him, my first thoughts were not – “Wow! what a stud!” Really, he was just that class clown in Greek class who liked some stupid football team that I had never heard of before.

But when did things change? When I saw him interact with the guys at college that he was discipling. He truly cared about the salvation of these guys. Then we interned together with our church’s youth group. We were like a dynamic duo – we were doing almost every aspect of our job together. I didn’t have a crush on him yet, but I got to know him extremely well.

One reason I fell in love with Kevin is because it was evident from his life that He was in love with Christ. So how did that impact our list of spiritual boundaries? Here’s what they looked like when we started dating:

• Don’t have one on one Bible studies together.
• Don’t be each other’s accountability partners.
• Don’t share your most intimate struggles with him.

 As we continued in our relationship and got engaged, these spiritual boundaries naturally, and rightly, broke down. But even today, Kevin is not my sole source of spiritual growth. I must consistently read the Bible for myself and gather with a group of Godly women who encourage me and act as accountability partners.

As married people, Kevin is the spiritual leader of our household. Ephesians 5:31-32 tells us:

For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. This mystery is profound, but I am talking about Christ and the church.

There is more at stake in our marriage than just a ring on our finger. Kevin is to love me like Christ loves the church. And I am to look to Kevin like the church looks to Christ.

Why do we need spiritual boundaries?

We need spiritual boundaries first and foremost so that our minds stay focused on Christ. If we’re not careful, our boyfriend/girlfriend relationship can become an idol. Our lives become consumed with thoughts for the other person. Rather, our relationships are to point us as well as the people around us, to a better understanding of the Gospel.

Dating, on one level, is very intellectual. You can write out your relationship and your boundaries and define what dating means. You can control most of that. But our emotions are very dangerous because they are very difficult to control. They can cloud our judgment.

Surely I’m not the only one who has experienced these moments of irrational responses. You know, when it’s 10:00 p.m., your husband has gone to bed, and you are peering into an oven that has thoroughly burnt the bread you were counting on. And here come the waterworks.

Or when I wake up from a horrible dream in which my husband, cleverly nicknamed “Dream Kevin” has been yelling and screaming at me in this nightmare. When I wake up, I am then beyond angry at him – for something he never did!

Women, more so than men, have emotional reactions to situations. We may not even realize that it’s happening. Women tend to be very concerned about other people’s feelings. We tend to sympathize intuitively. We want everyone to stay happy. We want to nurture everyone and everything around us – even inanimate stuffed animals.

So when Kevin and I started dating, he had no clue what an emotional boundary should look like between us. Quite frankly, at first, neither did I. But here are a few from the list we compiled together.

– Kevin did not need to be the first person I ran to with all my news – whether good or bad.

– I needed to preserve a good chunk of time dedicated to hanging out with my friends.

– I needed to feel free to tell Kevin how I felt – whether good or bad.

– I didn’t need him to know everything.

When you are dating, it’s easy to want to pour your entire life out to them – including how you feel at every moment of the day. But I needed to maintain a healthy balance between a dating relationship and a friend relationship. I didn’t want to become  dependent on Kevin’s response to my every feeling.

One reason we need emotional boundaries is to remind ourselves to cry out to the Lord – not to a man – for help.

Romans 8:26 is a good reminder that the Lord can do more than just sympathize with our emotions, He can understand them:

In the same way the Spirit also joins to help in our weakness, because we do not know what to pray for as we should, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with unspoken groanings.

In a dating relationship? Pray about your emotional boundaries. Not in a dating relationship? Make certain you have some of these same boundaries in your friendships. Everyone needs to take their emotions – both of joy and sorrow – to the Lord.